the real me

Jul 10, '09 8:49 PM for everyone

am i thinking too much? i cannot help it.

i walk in a mall, and a woman with her child catches my attention. then i think of the miracle of life. the child formed inside the woman's womb, fingernails growing, and here he is now, laughing with his mother.

i sit in a jeepney, and an old woman holds a bag filled with market produce. she is alone. and then i think of human life, how we all will become like her someday. groping in the light, skin crumpling, hands that have done millions of chores,  and counting the remaining years while continuing the routines of life.

i sit in a coffeeshop, just shooting the breeze. people pass by. a man is walking his dog. he stoops down to wipe its paws. and i wonder how pets can bring so much joy in our lives, sometimes even making us more humane than human beings can.

i lie on my bed and listen to a song. then the lyrics strike my heart. tears rise to my eyes, not for some sad memory, but for the sheer beauty of words woven together and the melody accompanying them. what talent God gave to man! what would life be without music?

i walk around the city, not thinking of anything. i look up and see the streetsign. then i wonder, who is this person and what moving thing did he do for  society, enough to honor him with a street? did he walk the same path i am walking on now? am i retracing the steps of some special human being that lived?

i stand in class, lecturing to the scholars of this part of the visayas. the kids all look at me in rapt attention. and somewhere in my mind, i think: what privilege i have to be teaching the brains of the next generation! how lucky i am to be where i am, right that minute! to have the power to influence, to water the minds of these young people! may they bloom to the best that they can, and may they, someday, stand in a classroom too, adding value to some kids' schooling. and then maybe i will have done something right.

i walk home, as i walk to work. i try to live as a new yorker, you see, walking blocks everyday. it is good for my heart. it is not yet 8am, truly a massive change in my physiological makeup. and i think, we should never say never. one day we end up doing what we never thought we would.

i sit in class, trying to pursue the highest degree one can have. i listen to my classmates who are officials of universities and government agencies. and i think, how they must love studying to exert so much time and effort at 50 years old! i also think, how different these people are from the rest of the world! and i think, how lucky i am to be doing the things they do without the other things (career, adult kids, businesses) they also do!

i go to a bookstore and immerse myself in the trove of treasure that very few people appreciate. i see a magnificent book that costs so much less than a mug of starbucks. and i think, the world ignores such brilliant output of some truly gifted men!

tonight, i had a (very) handsome visitor. and i think, why can't i fall in love with this person who is supposed to make my knees weak?  why don't i feel excitement in his presence? am i already dead, only i do not know it?

almost 20 years ago, i saw a flower bloom in our garden. the actual opening of the petals before my eyes was amazing! i stood transfixed, and without knowing it, tears fell from my eyes. what beauty!  what an awesome thing for me to see!

So I know, I know…that if the world can see, it would know that i am not as i appear to be. if the world can hear, it would know the melodies of my rare symphony.

and if the world can truly feel, it would not dare to hurt me.