to love (a dog) again

May 13, '08 12:23 AM for everyone

in my past life, my ex gave me a jetblack puppy which we named "sluggo" (after his boss, hehehe). sluggo grew big and soon he was no longer cuddly - so my then-devoted ex surprised me with another puppy, which we named "sluggo 2". needless to say, these dogs became our dearly beloved. we would really worry over them, take care of them like they're our kids, and would draw comfort from them when we'd fight. i remember the time i hugged sluggo 1 and sluggo 2 whole night, crying my heart out and asking them: "should i break up with him? should i end this na? tell me! tell me!" and two pairs of sad eyes turned to me, as if feeling too, my misery.

dad and my nephews adored my dogs, too. they were with us everywhere, especially the beach. my neighbors said no dog could have been loved and spoiled more. then one day, sluggo 1 died. i did not look; i let my ex carry and bury him. i did not want to look - it was too painful. i hugged sluggo2 and told her: wala na; wala na si ate mo. it's you and me na lang.

from the "funeral", my ex came to me and we hugged so tight, as if a child of ours died. he kept repeating, as much to himself as to me: it's ok; it's ok...we still have sluggo2.

then one day, this very intelligent helper of mine said, as i entered the apartment: mam....wag ka mabibigla; wag ka magagalit.

i plopped on the sofa and said calmly: what is it? (i was exhausted; i travelled 8 hours from dad's funeral)

the fat woman (nenet's her name, i'll never forget) cried and said: patay na po si sluggo2!

i was too stunned and too exhausted to react.

mam...(tears flowing)…...napakain ko sya ng chicken bones.

i looked at her with blank expression - and then at her kids who were always raiding my fridge - and said: diba i told you i was going home to bury my father? why do you make me now bury my dog?

the smart woman says: ah, hindi na, mam. nilibing na sya ng asawa ko.

i swear, at that moment, i knew for sure the combined meaning of the words "exhaustion", "exasperation", and "utter helplessness".

"sige, nenet, please, umuwi na kayo. i want to be alone".

this happened 6 long years ago - in june 2002, to be exact. i swore then to myself that i won't have a dog again. losing dogs you adored, played with, talked to, hugged, fed, gave baths to, took with you anywhere, and who'd jump on your bed is TOO painful.

This love for dogs started with my first dog,  "bamba".  she was my best playmate. she not once got angry if she lost a game to me, hahaha. my childhood afternoons were spent running with her on the bermuda grass as the maid cleared the clotheslines.  then one day they found her dead. someone left the insecticide under my bed - and just like that, bamba was gone. it was VERY traumatic for a 6-year-old kid to see her playmate carried away like a stuffed toy and i think i was in shock for a couple of months.

a couple of years later, we had vithina. she's all-black with soulful eyes. she was our sister, the sixth kid in the house. she's not cranky at all - a real friendly, loving dog. we all adored her. then one weekend, dad arrived with a fierce-looking dog named "viking". we did not like viking; he was too scary. he was only nice to daddy. dad said: be careful with viking. he is an animal. animals are animals. no matter how much you adore them, remember they are animals.

one day, viking growled at dad, and dad said "no, viking!" still, viking wanted to fight dad. he was growling. then we heard a gunshot, and viking was gone.

vithina and viking were the resident dogs of my youth, but...they weren't mine. i had no replacement for bamba. or, i didn't want to replace bamba.

until roger brought me the two sluggos from baguio.

anyway, after the heartaches with sluggo1 and sluggo2, i did not want another dog. i wouldn't even go inside a pet shop. i avoided looking at dogs - big and small - all these years. too many memories. too much pain. too much, too much. if you are a doglover, you'd understand what i'm saying. it is very hard to express how painful it is to love and lose a dog.

and so it is a big deal for me now to have another dog. my very own dog again. yes, i have a puppy! yes, i made the brave decision to risk my heart again.

her color is chocolate brown and she has a birthmark right on the middle of her forehead. her eyes are sky blue. she's still a baby, the better for the two of us to develop a bond. i want to make her fat! i want her to be a very good dog, and as loving as the two sluggos in my past life.

what to name this new entrant to my life? hmmmm.....i live on abad santos street now, and i must remember that this is where my doggone heart healed. hmmm...her name is..... abby!

i arrive home holding her in my arms and the guards shriek: you have a puppy!

i say: yes, and her name is abby abad santos! not abby only. she has a full name, ok?

the maid shrieks: mam, magkakalat yan!

i say: i will take care of her kalat, don't worry.

and indeed, i do. hmm..it's only been 24 hours and i actually feel like a servant already.

abby plays with my feet as i type this. she just finished her plateful of dog food (aba, magastos magalaga ng dog!) and the milk i prepared for her. she doesn't want to go to sleep yet. i must take her to the vet soon for her shots. (another gastos - but that's the way it is.) i will buy her a ball, a toy bone, and a necklace. i am thinking of how to house and feed her properly. for now, she has a basket and two dishbowls for her meals. will i buy her a small foam? will i put her in a kennel when she's bigger? is the dish too big for her? hmmm...will i allow her to sleep on my bed, like sluggo2? can i shampoo her already? (a friend says, not yet.) hmmm... will she love me like my departed dogs?

today, i found myself in the grocery section i never go to: baby care. i was checking out the milk prices and deciding if i'd get powdered or liquid milk. if powdered, what brand? if liquid, will it be condensed or evaporated milk? hmmm...maybe cereal powder...and what's this, cerelac? pwede kaya ito sa puppy? hmmm...maybe baby powder is ok for a puppy, since shellgard is too strong? i don't know anymore, since i haven't taken care of a dog for a looooong time.

i was thinking these thoughts when i realized the women around and falling in line with me were actually buying items for human babies.  i was almost embarrassed with myself. buti nalang, they don't know i am buying for a dog only.  oh, gosh, they are also checking out the prices and the brands. like me, they are deciding on the kind of milk and reasonable price to pay for the sustenance of their babies at home. it dawned on me that everything's expensive now, and these mothers are working to feed their kids. am i then just wasting money on a dog? (social conscience, is that you?)

as i arrive home, abby yelps.

i say, hello, my dear abby! look what i got for you!

she runs towards me. as i show her my pasalubong, i think:

oh, thank You, Lord, that i am responsible for only one living thing.....and it will NEVER go to school!