Jan 17, '11 3:01 PM
for everyone |
the
wind whipped my face as i stepped out for a walk today. it struck me that i
better get used to the cool wind whipping my face since i will be travelling
soon to another country where, i am told, weather changes can be extreme. i
would love that. i like walking around in long sleeves, cardigans, sweats,
windbreakers. in baguio before, I’d wear a trench coat and even a military jacket (the boyfriend and i had one
each). As I walked, it struck me hard
that all my life i had been packing up, unpacking, and living in different
places in the philippines. but soon, and i hope VERY SOON, it will be outside
the country.
i walked past familiar buildings and on familiar streets. by this time, i cannot get lost in cebu city anymore. i know the city like the palm of my hand - even the sidestreets in outlying barangays. cab drivers often get surprised when i say: no, we will pass through the other side, manong; there's a small fork there that will get us to the city in shorter time. after more than 3 years - 4 next month - i know cebu city very well.
the cold wind blew and i stopped at an intersection. i thought, i will miss these. i will miss this intersection that i pass everyday. the city is largely asleep at 2 pm; it was sinulog last night, after all. i will miss the placid, quiet life i had in cebu, especially in the last 2 years. it's great to be walking around where no one truly knows you. all they see, and all they know, is i am a teacher in a prominent university. i am that girl that crosses the main avenue in a dress every thursday and sunday. there is no party i have to attend, socials i have to go to, or people i have to please. well, there are some teachers who force me to be their friend, but of course, i do not want to. i am so creative in avoiding spending more than 15 minutes with any of them. I only spend time with one or two. gee whiz, how can I be their friend? Can’t they see from our English alone, hahaha, that we have absolutely nothing in common but our pitiful salary level? I like cebu precisely because no one knows me from adam here. They all know me in the present – the better for me, really. i like - i loooove - being largely ignored in this city. and this is something i hope to keep when i transfer residence soon. i hope that in my next job, i will just work, and go home, and do my thing, and i hope, i pray, that no one will bother me except for small chitchats and the occasional dining out.
i pulled my sweatshirt tighter to fight the cold. a bank officer waves at me from her glass office at street level. i remember i haven't updated my account in that bank. hmmm... i go inside the mall and the shoe coloring attendant makes small talk as she opens the plastic bag i brought. "ma'am, we do not have this color, sorry". okay. i go up to the clothes section and the saleswoman says, "hi, ma'am; here, the blouses are on sale." i smile and say, iha, no, i am not buying today.
i walked past familiar buildings and on familiar streets. by this time, i cannot get lost in cebu city anymore. i know the city like the palm of my hand - even the sidestreets in outlying barangays. cab drivers often get surprised when i say: no, we will pass through the other side, manong; there's a small fork there that will get us to the city in shorter time. after more than 3 years - 4 next month - i know cebu city very well.
the cold wind blew and i stopped at an intersection. i thought, i will miss these. i will miss this intersection that i pass everyday. the city is largely asleep at 2 pm; it was sinulog last night, after all. i will miss the placid, quiet life i had in cebu, especially in the last 2 years. it's great to be walking around where no one truly knows you. all they see, and all they know, is i am a teacher in a prominent university. i am that girl that crosses the main avenue in a dress every thursday and sunday. there is no party i have to attend, socials i have to go to, or people i have to please. well, there are some teachers who force me to be their friend, but of course, i do not want to. i am so creative in avoiding spending more than 15 minutes with any of them. I only spend time with one or two. gee whiz, how can I be their friend? Can’t they see from our English alone, hahaha, that we have absolutely nothing in common but our pitiful salary level? I like cebu precisely because no one knows me from adam here. They all know me in the present – the better for me, really. i like - i loooove - being largely ignored in this city. and this is something i hope to keep when i transfer residence soon. i hope that in my next job, i will just work, and go home, and do my thing, and i hope, i pray, that no one will bother me except for small chitchats and the occasional dining out.
i pulled my sweatshirt tighter to fight the cold. a bank officer waves at me from her glass office at street level. i remember i haven't updated my account in that bank. hmmm... i go inside the mall and the shoe coloring attendant makes small talk as she opens the plastic bag i brought. "ma'am, we do not have this color, sorry". okay. i go up to the clothes section and the saleswoman says, "hi, ma'am; here, the blouses are on sale." i smile and say, iha, no, i am not buying today.
i walk on, just walking
around. someone bumps me - it's the girl from the courier company saying
"you haven't sent packages in a while, ma'am". and i think...all
these...all these i will have to forget, and create a new routine in another
place on earth.
i go up the bridge and walk to the other avenue. it's another thing that i like in my place here in cebu: i can walk to anywhere! it is even better than the banilad area where i first stayed in 2007, when people would say: you live in banilad??? (as if they just discovered they're talking to somebody rich.) but living along mango avenue is the best. the city is literally at my feet. the downside in my present life story, however, is my salary in school is just enough for my rent, carinderia meals and the salary of the ironing lady.
and so i have to go. i must go. i wonder how
far i'll be from the heart of the city in that place where i will relocate?
changes, changes....
i cross to the other side of the avenue and for no reason at all, remember him. it always happens to me. i am going through the routines of my life, and there he is. he flits in and out of my consciousness, and i wonder, i truly wonder, how long this will last. is it possible for one human being to affect another even if you just talked to each other for 24 hours tops? and why do i feel a stab of pain each time? am i losing my mind?
they say time heals all wounds. they say, if you meet another man, you will forget. but i have met many men - far handsomer, far more successful, and far kinder towards me. some even offered their forever. yet i do not remember them at all. so, what is it, then? why this ghost in my mind?
and through all of these questionings all these years, i know…..yes, i know, that as for the feelings for me, i was certain. of that, i am certain. i am so certain of it that whoever he marries is irrelevant; that what may be a triumph of that woman can be infantile ranged against the depth of what was for me. but the wind blows from some melting ice caps in another continent. the winds can be cold, and it can whip your face....and there are so many other intangible things that must be factored in about one's decisions and life choices.
this truth will hold true, then and now, anywhere i live in this world. and i must remember this and keep it burning inside me when i board that long-haul flight and hopefully, never come back.
i go up the bridge and walk to the other avenue. it's another thing that i like in my place here in cebu: i can walk to anywhere! it is even better than the banilad area where i first stayed in 2007, when people would say: you live in banilad??? (as if they just discovered they're talking to somebody rich.) but living along mango avenue is the best. the city is literally at my feet. the downside in my present life story, however, is my salary in school is just enough for my rent, carinderia meals and the salary of the ironing lady.
and so i have to go. i must go. i wonder how
far i'll be from the heart of the city in that place where i will relocate?
changes, changes....i cross to the other side of the avenue and for no reason at all, remember him. it always happens to me. i am going through the routines of my life, and there he is. he flits in and out of my consciousness, and i wonder, i truly wonder, how long this will last. is it possible for one human being to affect another even if you just talked to each other for 24 hours tops? and why do i feel a stab of pain each time? am i losing my mind?
they say time heals all wounds. they say, if you meet another man, you will forget. but i have met many men - far handsomer, far more successful, and far kinder towards me. some even offered their forever. yet i do not remember them at all. so, what is it, then? why this ghost in my mind?
and through all of these questionings all these years, i know…..yes, i know, that as for the feelings for me, i was certain. of that, i am certain. i am so certain of it that whoever he marries is irrelevant; that what may be a triumph of that woman can be infantile ranged against the depth of what was for me. but the wind blows from some melting ice caps in another continent. the winds can be cold, and it can whip your face....and there are so many other intangible things that must be factored in about one's decisions and life choices.
this truth will hold true, then and now, anywhere i live in this world. and i must remember this and keep it burning inside me when i board that long-haul flight and hopefully, never come back.
No comments:
Post a Comment